To my child I never kissed.

October 24, 2014 was the day I found out about you. I had been shopping with your sister when I realized I was a week late. I took a pregnancy test never imagining it would be positive and it was! There's a burst of love that rushes into you when you see two pink lines on a pregnancy test and it's unlike anything I can describe. From that moment on I started imagining you, what you'd look like, when we'd meet you and what it would be like to kiss your cheeks.

Anyone who sees me with my kids knows I can't get enough sugars from them. Whether it be when they first wake up, middle of the night or just stealing a kiss while they're playing. I LOVE kissing on my babies. That smell, the feel of their chubby cheeks it just makes my heart burst. So one of the hardest things for me to swallow when I lost you was that I wouldn't get to kiss you. I don't get to watch you come from me and onto the little hospital bed while they clean you up and daddy takes a million pictures. Then they bring you to me swaddled up and the first thing I'd do is kiss those cheeks and smell that smell. Every mom knows the smell I'm talking about. Sadie and Shane both have the same smell so I know you do too. I take comfort in that. Even though my heart aches knowing I lost you too soon I know without that your brother wouldn't be here. So you brought him life and I can't thank you enough for that. Not only did you bring him life but you taught me to never take a single second with your brother and sister for granted. I know I hold them tighter and love them more fiercely because of you. Thank you. Losing you was the most earth shattering thing your daddy and I have ever been through and I still have days when I cry thinking of you. But even in your short time in my belly you made an imprint on my heart that can never be taken away. It's special knowing I have something to look forward too. In my death I will meet my Creator and get to shower you with kisses. What's more special than that?

"But now that he is gone, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." 2 Samuel 12:23

Spoiled Oilfield Wife

This is not your usual "spoiled oilfield wife" bumper sticker story. As long as I've known my husband he has been a VERY diligent and hard worker in the oil and gas industry. He's worked out of town, in town and 24-7 for as long as I can remember. He's had a phone glued to his head for the past 4 years...much longer I'm sure but that's as long as I've known him :) When we got married and decided to have children we both agreed I would stay home to raise our kids while he went to work. This was an easy decision when you've worked for a company for 9 years and your making good money. So security is something I thought we wouldn't have to worry about. Recently my husband who I once thought was invincible was laid off. It hit me like a ton of bricks because I never once expected it. Mostly because I'm his wife so I'm his biggest fan and I watch him go out of his way to do the best job he can when he's there and even more when he's not. So in my mind I always thought any company couldn't afford to lose a guy like him. A major part of the oilfield industry I've learned is politics, it's who you know not what you know. So they let him go. At first I was mad I mean pregnant girl, hormones raging ticked off. He just recently had knee surgery so he can't exactly run out and get another job with one good leg and crutches. On top of that I'm 7 months pregnant so now they've laid off a guy with one leg and a new dependent on the way. I mean talk about a blow to a guys confidence who has agreed to support his family and now there is a fear he can't do that. The day after he got laid off I found myself praying pretty much all day. Praying for a new job at first but then God kind of slapped me (that's usually the only way He gets me to listen up and give up control) with reality and made me see that our roles as husband and wife were reversed. Even though I can't financially support our family right now I have to be my husbands emotional support and remind him that I'm still his biggest fan. I mean that's what I agreed to didn't I? "For better or worse, for richer or poorer." I like to think I'm always a good support system for my husband but its easy to lose focus of that when you've got a one year old who needs you 24/7. Once I focused my mind on that it was like everything else fell into place and I was at complete peace. I don't usually stay upset about things for long I usually go into survival mode pretty quickly so once I started calling about health insurance, life insurance and all the other things we were losing with this lay off I started to feel better. My husband made a commitment to take care of me and our children and he's never once stopped doing that. I've realized now that support or taking care of us is not about a job or finances it's about the man he is to me and our kids. I'm "spoiled" not because he can buy me things but because he loves me without condition and would go to the ends of the earth for me. Now is my chance to prove I feel the same about him since we will be spending so much time together now :) I'm going to embrace this lay off as a time for his knee to heal properly and a special time he gets to spend with Sadie that he wouldn't get if he was still working. She will only be "the baby" for two more months and how lucky are we that we get to spend this time together as a family. The perfect job will come at the right time. I know this because my God never waivers. If He's not worried then why should I be? I'm so thankful my husband chose me to be his wife and there is no one else I'd rather go through this life with. He "spoils" Sadie and I everyday with the man he is and I'm forever grateful to him for that.

"So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:31-34

What do you DO all day?

People ask this question more often than I thought they would before having children "what do you do all day?" Or "you don't work?" With a shocked look on their face. These questions used to annoy me or automatically put me on the defense. However, since becoming a mom it's a whole lot easier to not let the opinions of others effect your day. Mostly because I don't have time, I've got a one year old yelling at me she wants something 24/7. Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a stay at home wife and mother. This job is the toughest but most rewarding job I will ever do in my life. I wanted to be there for every smile, giggle and tantrum. Even though some days I think about going to check the mail and never coming back (we all have those days.) I love the stay at home mom life and I wouldn't trade it for the world! So to answer the age old question of "what do I do all day?" I've made a small list (because I also love a list) of how to stay sane. Hopefully some moms out there can get a few tips or just feel better knowing they are not alone! 

1. Get dressed. You don't have to get ready for the oscars every morning but it's amazing what washing my face and a little mascara will do for my day! 

2. I have a cleaning schedule which has been a life changer (how embarrassing) but seeing it on paper makes it seem more attainable for some reason.

Sadie is the slowest eater ever so I can get a lot checked off while she's eating breakfast. Whatever I don't finish I ALWAYS let her "help" me with. Whether its helping me fold laundry or unload the dishwasher I always want her to know that taking care of where you live is part of living there and we pick up after ourselves. Even though it takes twice the time it's so easy to make a fun game out of any chore for them. When I sweep she's behind me with the dust pan trying to "get me." 

3. Laugh. With a toddler life is just easier if you laugh. Like when Sadie digs out EVERY SINGLE piece of Tupperware I own instead of getting mad I just thank her for finding the lid I haven't been able to find for three years. 

4. Go outside. Even when it's raining we have to go outside atleast once a day or we will go crazy! Some things she likes to do outside: 

-Play with her puppies

-Blow bubbles

-Walk her baby doll in her stroller 

-Go down her slide 

-Smell EVERY. SINGLE. FLOWER.

-Ride daddy's four wheeler  

-When the weather permits, play in a kiddie pool or the sprinklers 

-Sidewalk chalk 

-Fishing 

-Going to the park 

5. Enlist your husbands help (or anyone else that will help you!) Even if it's just my husband giving her a bath or him playing with her while I cook dinner that little bit of time where I am not the ONLY one who can make her happy is extremely helpful and necessary for my sanity! 

Not all days go like this obviously. Kids get sick or just act like wild animals from time to time but on those days I'm just thankful we both make it out alive :) At the end of the day, you've done your most important job which is being a mom! 

Vow to my Second Child

"Don't you know how to prevent that?" "Your hands are gunna be so full!" "get ready to never sleep again!" That's just a few of the things I've heard since announcing we are pregnant with you. When we announced we were pregnant with your sister it was nothing but "congratulations!" And now it's nothing but negative! Not all people are negative but you definitely get a more negative vibe the second time around. As if the 19 month age gap between you and your sister wasn't planned. We are THRILLED to be expecting you and I vow to not let anyone EVER make you feel otherwise. I promise to never make you feel second best or let anyone treat you that way. Granted with your sister when people asked me how far along I was I knew down to the second and this time around I've got to check the app on my phone to even remember what day it is. And last time I was a member of FOUR yes four online mommy groups and by Sadie's 6 month birthday I had deleted them all. Those women are nuts! But I can give you the gift of experience which I couldn't give your sister. This time around I won't be googling every noise you make or checking your temperature a thousand times a day. I will be much more calm which makes for a much more calm baby. However, I can't speak for your sister she's always crazy and loud but you'll get used to her :) I promise to savor every cuddle with you because your sister is a "touch me not" so I know your cuddles may not last long. I promise to enjoy this pregnancy no matter how miserable I might be because it's probably my last time to experience it all. I promise to love you with my whole heart for the rest of my life. I can't wait to meet you❤️

The Most Beautiful Rainbow

When you get pregnant after having a miscarriage everyone calls your baby a "rainbow baby." I always got that before but now I REALLY get it. After miscarrying I wasn't sure if I was ready to get pregnant again so quickly so we took some (obviously relaxed) measures to prevent pregnancy until we were ready again. And you know what they say "you make plans and God laughs." From October 27th-December 1st (the day I miscarried to the day I found out I was pregnant) I was in a hole. A constant cloudy, yucky day. Not a day went by that I didn't say to myself "I lost my baby." The week of what I know now to be my missed period I was on hold with my drs office to try to get on some depression meds. For some reason I couldn't complete this phone call and I hung up before they got back to me. Now I know why! On December 1st Sadie and I had been out alllll day Christmas shopping and at what I swore would be my last trip to walmart EVER I thought "I think I'm a week late?" So I picked up a pregnancy test planning on waiting another week to take it because I figured my periods were messed up from miscarrying. We got home with the car full to the brim and I began unpacking while she slept in the car. During my unpacking I felt like I really needed to go take that test so I did. And there it was clear as day two very dark pink lines! I couldn't believe it! To heck with unpacking the car I had to figure out how to tell my husband! I did take Sadie out and put her in her bed don't worry  😉 Chris and I have a running joke with our elf on a shelf and we've made him do some mischievous things for eachother because Sadie is too young. So I figured what better way to tell him?! It's December 1st and time for that creepy thing to make it's appearance anyway haha

The elf was waiting for Chris when he got home from work under our tree! He was as shocked and thrilled as I was! This was the beginning of my rainbow and the end of my storm. On December 16th we got to see our little blessing. Now this was my favorite sonogram with Sadie because it's the first time you see that little beating heart and your breath is taken away. And seeing that little flickering heartbeat was my rainbow, the most beautiful rainbow I had ever seen. When you miscarry people say "don't you wonder why?!" I never wondered why because I know why. God didn't allow me to go through that because he's mean or punishing me. God made me a better mom and a stronger woman by allowing me to go through that loss. Now when Sadie's making me want to pull my hair out or the new baby is causing me a terrible migraine I can step back and appreciate the two perfect blessings I've been given instead of complaining. I am very thankful to Him for that. 

Dear New Mom

Everyone tells you "When you have your baby you are just going to KNOW what to do!" And then you have the baby and you don't....cue the panic! The day I had Sadie I remember thinking I had never seen anything more beautiful and never felt the love I felt for her.

But under all that love and adoration was a slight panic. Everything went pretty easy for the first four days of her life, for her that is. I was a nervous wreck. And now I know that's ok and completely normal! But before having a baby everyone says it's all butterflies and unicorns and you will breastfeed on top of your rainbow forever. But that is not the case. Being a parent means rolling with the punches. Learning how to deal with the eb and flow of life and the crazy things that tiny person is going to throw at you. I was nursing at the time and that was going great until the fourth night after my sweet Sadie's arrival. We were watching the bachelor (Juan Pablo's season yuck!) and I was nursing for the millionth time that day it felt like and I could tell she wasn't getting enough to eat. I could feel it, I could see it and I wanted to just die knowing I couldn't provide for my baby. I started frantically pumping to see how much I could get (right after nursing like I was going to get anything?!) but for some reason that's what I did! I tell Chris at 10:00 PM to run to the store and get some formula because she was not getting enough. He rushed to the store and came home with the entire formula aisle and ingredients to make homemade spinach dip because apparently that's what he felt was the right thing to do in the moment. He was clearly a little panicked also because he stayed up randomly making spinach dip for most of that night haha! I nursed all throughout the night, to scared to use the formula because I literally knew NOTHING about formula. Because remember the unicorns and the breastfeeding rainbow everyone tells you about? Well mine wasn't working and I hadn't been prepared for other options. We had an appointment with our lactation consultant that next morning just on time so I could find out what I needed to do for my baby that I couldn't satisfy. Sure enough she had lost a lot of weight and I needed to start supplementing until my milk came in. Talk about a blow to a new moms ego. I had built it up so high in my head that breastfeeding would go perfectly and we would all live happily ever after and it came crashing down in one look at the scale. Looking back on this I know it was my "mothers intuition" telling me she wasn't getting enough but in the moment it just killed me I couldn't provide for her. After all the panic and craziness of having a new baby settled down everything just kind of clicked. I realized this is my new life and I wouldn't have it any other way! You learn your baby and they learn you. Sadie is now a thriving, happy, formula fed 9 month old!

And I know now I can trust my instincts when it comes to her and her needs. So when people say "when you have your baby you are just going to KNOW what to do" you will. It just may not happen when you expect it to. 

You find out who your friends are

When something tragic happens in your life it's a blessing to have family around to support and comfort you. But it's a whole other gift to have friends and a church family that choose to be there for you during rough times. Whether it be forcing you to get out of the house and go to canton,

or sending flowers and delivering dinner. It's so overwhelming the feeling of love and understanding we've gotten from our friends! The sweet messages and calls have truly warmed my heart. I only hope I'm as good a friend as my friends have been to me! We really can not thank all of y'all enough! ❤️❤️