The Most Beautiful Rainbow

When you get pregnant after having a miscarriage everyone calls your baby a "rainbow baby." I always got that before but now I REALLY get it. After miscarrying I wasn't sure if I was ready to get pregnant again so quickly so we took some (obviously relaxed) measures to prevent pregnancy until we were ready again. And you know what they say "you make plans and God laughs." From October 27th-December 1st (the day I miscarried to the day I found out I was pregnant) I was in a hole. A constant cloudy, yucky day. Not a day went by that I didn't say to myself "I lost my baby." The week of what I know now to be my missed period I was on hold with my drs office to try to get on some depression meds. For some reason I couldn't complete this phone call and I hung up before they got back to me. Now I know why! On December 1st Sadie and I had been out alllll day Christmas shopping and at what I swore would be my last trip to walmart EVER I thought "I think I'm a week late?" So I picked up a pregnancy test planning on waiting another week to take it because I figured my periods were messed up from miscarrying. We got home with the car full to the brim and I began unpacking while she slept in the car. During my unpacking I felt like I really needed to go take that test so I did. And there it was clear as day two very dark pink lines! I couldn't believe it! To heck with unpacking the car I had to figure out how to tell my husband! I did take Sadie out and put her in her bed don't worry  😉 Chris and I have a running joke with our elf on a shelf and we've made him do some mischievous things for eachother because Sadie is too young. So I figured what better way to tell him?! It's December 1st and time for that creepy thing to make it's appearance anyway haha

The elf was waiting for Chris when he got home from work under our tree! He was as shocked and thrilled as I was! This was the beginning of my rainbow and the end of my storm. On December 16th we got to see our little blessing. Now this was my favorite sonogram with Sadie because it's the first time you see that little beating heart and your breath is taken away. And seeing that little flickering heartbeat was my rainbow, the most beautiful rainbow I had ever seen. When you miscarry people say "don't you wonder why?!" I never wondered why because I know why. God didn't allow me to go through that because he's mean or punishing me. God made me a better mom and a stronger woman by allowing me to go through that loss. Now when Sadie's making me want to pull my hair out or the new baby is causing me a terrible migraine I can step back and appreciate the two perfect blessings I've been given instead of complaining. I am very thankful to Him for that. 

Dear New Mom

Everyone tells you "When you have your baby you are just going to KNOW what to do!" And then you have the baby and you don't....cue the panic! The day I had Sadie I remember thinking I had never seen anything more beautiful and never felt the love I felt for her.

But under all that love and adoration was a slight panic. Everything went pretty easy for the first four days of her life, for her that is. I was a nervous wreck. And now I know that's ok and completely normal! But before having a baby everyone says it's all butterflies and unicorns and you will breastfeed on top of your rainbow forever. But that is not the case. Being a parent means rolling with the punches. Learning how to deal with the eb and flow of life and the crazy things that tiny person is going to throw at you. I was nursing at the time and that was going great until the fourth night after my sweet Sadie's arrival. We were watching the bachelor (Juan Pablo's season yuck!) and I was nursing for the millionth time that day it felt like and I could tell she wasn't getting enough to eat. I could feel it, I could see it and I wanted to just die knowing I couldn't provide for my baby. I started frantically pumping to see how much I could get (right after nursing like I was going to get anything?!) but for some reason that's what I did! I tell Chris at 10:00 PM to run to the store and get some formula because she was not getting enough. He rushed to the store and came home with the entire formula aisle and ingredients to make homemade spinach dip because apparently that's what he felt was the right thing to do in the moment. He was clearly a little panicked also because he stayed up randomly making spinach dip for most of that night haha! I nursed all throughout the night, to scared to use the formula because I literally knew NOTHING about formula. Because remember the unicorns and the breastfeeding rainbow everyone tells you about? Well mine wasn't working and I hadn't been prepared for other options. We had an appointment with our lactation consultant that next morning just on time so I could find out what I needed to do for my baby that I couldn't satisfy. Sure enough she had lost a lot of weight and I needed to start supplementing until my milk came in. Talk about a blow to a new moms ego. I had built it up so high in my head that breastfeeding would go perfectly and we would all live happily ever after and it came crashing down in one look at the scale. Looking back on this I know it was my "mothers intuition" telling me she wasn't getting enough but in the moment it just killed me I couldn't provide for her. After all the panic and craziness of having a new baby settled down everything just kind of clicked. I realized this is my new life and I wouldn't have it any other way! You learn your baby and they learn you. Sadie is now a thriving, happy, formula fed 9 month old!

And I know now I can trust my instincts when it comes to her and her needs. So when people say "when you have your baby you are just going to KNOW what to do" you will. It just may not happen when you expect it to. 

You find out who your friends are

When something tragic happens in your life it's a blessing to have family around to support and comfort you. But it's a whole other gift to have friends and a church family that choose to be there for you during rough times. Whether it be forcing you to get out of the house and go to canton,

or sending flowers and delivering dinner. It's so overwhelming the feeling of love and understanding we've gotten from our friends! The sweet messages and calls have truly warmed my heart. I only hope I'm as good a friend as my friends have been to me! We really can not thank all of y'all enough! ❤️❤️ 

Halloween

I feel like holidays are always more fun and exciting once you have children, or atleast fun in a different way. Seeing Sadie's face light up carving pumpkins or trick or treating is like getting to experience Halloween for the first time all over again. Even though she's too young to eat the candy (what a shame for mama) she still had a blast seeing all her family dressed up in costumes! She wasn't quite sure about my scarecrow makeup for a little while which was hilarious! We had two different costumes this year (it's her first Halloween why not go all out?) Dorothy and Glinda the Good Witch! She rocked them both but I have to say Glinda was my favorite! Probably because I made it and have the hot glue burns to prove it!

I've noticed also after becoming a parent that some of these kids costume are SCARY! Growing up I was never allowed to be anything "bad" like a witch or a devil. I plan on doing the same with Sadie so please don't ask her to be the bride of chucky to your chucky because that's just wrong haha. Making fun memories like this is what I've realized life is all about! I really can't wait until next year when she can carry her own self trick or treating! Mama's arms are tired but it was so worth it! Hope everyone had a safe and happy Halloween! 

Sadie-My Strength In The Storm

What did I do before you? Oh that's right, I slept! But anyway, I don't know how I ever lived without you! You have created so much joy in my life and filled so many holes I didn't know I had. Losing your baby brother or sister would have made the old me stay in the bed all day and cry. I can't do that now because someone is babbling into the baby monitor for me to come get her! And I am so glad you are! Your bright smile and sweet laughs have kept me strong through this dark time in my life. Your precious cuddles (though they may be few and far between since you are miss independent) have helped dry my tears and remind me that one day I will cuddle your baby brother or sister the same way!  During your temper tantrums and screams at the top of your lungs this experience has reminded me to appreciate ALL aspects of child rearing even the bad, the ugly and the stinky. I never knew love until I had you and I'm beyond grateful that I did❤️

Isaiah 40:29 He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.

Miscarriage-The Bad Word That No One Says

This is not something I planned on sharing or something I want pity for but God has put it on my heart to share my story. Whether it be to help another mom going through the same heartbreak or to give a husband a woman's perspective on his wife's grief. Miscarriage. The word itself seemed so distant to me until October 27, 2014. If your like me the second you see two pink lines on a pregnancy test you are swallowed with love. I mean completely consumed with love for someone you have never even met. And you also begin planning, you begin thinking of names and looking at the calendar to find out when you will know the gender or when you are due to meet your new blessing. Then to find out it's not going to happen until you meet them in heaven is earth shattering. I found out I was pregnant a week before Halloween. We were thrilled and couldn't wait to wear costumes to announce it to our families. My husband "the baker", me the "bun in the oven" and our daughter a cupcake! I kept the secret all weekend somehow and by Monday morning the bleeding began. My OB had advised me to go to the ER so there we went. We waited for THREE hours before getting to see a dr. That three hours was just enough time for me to prepare myself for the worst but also think maybe it's nothing. We visited the ER 3 times during my first pregnancy for literally NOTHING so part of me assumed this baby was just as dramatic as his/her sister and wanted to start their life by scaring mommy and daddy! But unfortunately when we got back to see the dr they performed a urinalysis and then came in with the news that my pregnancy test was now negative and I had lost the baby. I NEVER want to be in that moment again. I know I was looking at that dr like he had 3 heads but I just couldn't believe what came out of his mouth. No one should ever have to hear the words "You lost the baby." This is the most heart breaking thing I've ever been through in my 25 years. And the toughest thing about it is after that dr left the room with my husband and I both sobbing we were expected to pay our copay, sign our discharge papers and leave like nothing ever happened. I know that's hospital policy and this isn't an attack on the hospital or the employees at all. It's just all very strange that someone you love has died but no one knows and no one is going to have a funeral or do all the steps you are used to taking during a death in your family. No one tells you how to deal with the grief of losing an unborn baby, you just have to keep going and I can't yet. I don't want to pretend like this baby never existed because it did not only to me and my family but also to God. Psalm 139 13-16 says "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." I take comfort in that fact. That God needed my baby more than I did even though it kills me at the same time. However the fallenness of the world interferes, God still sees a person, made in His image (Genesis 1:27), living to his God-ordained potential within his mother's womb. I will never know why this happened except to mold me into the woman and mother I'm supposed to be. My husband and I plan on planting a tree by our house for the baby so we can in a sense "watch it grow up" and always remember our angel. I know we will get to meet our baby one day and I am so thankful for that. We plan on telling Sadie she has a little brother or sister in heaven watching over her when the time is right. I don't want this baby to be a secret or forgotten. I am a mother of two and I'm very proud of that fact.