Miscarriage-The Bad Word That No One Says

This is not something I planned on sharing or something I want pity for but God has put it on my heart to share my story. Whether it be to help another mom going through the same heartbreak or to give a husband a woman's perspective on his wife's grief. Miscarriage. The word itself seemed so distant to me until October 27, 2014. If your like me the second you see two pink lines on a pregnancy test you are swallowed with love. I mean completely consumed with love for someone you have never even met. And you also begin planning, you begin thinking of names and looking at the calendar to find out when you will know the gender or when you are due to meet your new blessing. Then to find out it's not going to happen until you meet them in heaven is earth shattering. I found out I was pregnant a week before Halloween. We were thrilled and couldn't wait to wear costumes to announce it to our families. My husband "the baker", me the "bun in the oven" and our daughter a cupcake! I kept the secret all weekend somehow and by Monday morning the bleeding began. My OB had advised me to go to the ER so there we went. We waited for THREE hours before getting to see a dr. That three hours was just enough time for me to prepare myself for the worst but also think maybe it's nothing. We visited the ER 3 times during my first pregnancy for literally NOTHING so part of me assumed this baby was just as dramatic as his/her sister and wanted to start their life by scaring mommy and daddy! But unfortunately when we got back to see the dr they performed a urinalysis and then came in with the news that my pregnancy test was now negative and I had lost the baby. I NEVER want to be in that moment again. I know I was looking at that dr like he had 3 heads but I just couldn't believe what came out of his mouth. No one should ever have to hear the words "You lost the baby." This is the most heart breaking thing I've ever been through in my 25 years. And the toughest thing about it is after that dr left the room with my husband and I both sobbing we were expected to pay our copay, sign our discharge papers and leave like nothing ever happened. I know that's hospital policy and this isn't an attack on the hospital or the employees at all. It's just all very strange that someone you love has died but no one knows and no one is going to have a funeral or do all the steps you are used to taking during a death in your family. No one tells you how to deal with the grief of losing an unborn baby, you just have to keep going and I can't yet. I don't want to pretend like this baby never existed because it did not only to me and my family but also to God. Psalm 139 13-16 says "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." I take comfort in that fact. That God needed my baby more than I did even though it kills me at the same time. However the fallenness of the world interferes, God still sees a person, made in His image (Genesis 1:27), living to his God-ordained potential within his mother's womb. I will never know why this happened except to mold me into the woman and mother I'm supposed to be. My husband and I plan on planting a tree by our house for the baby so we can in a sense "watch it grow up" and always remember our angel. I know we will get to meet our baby one day and I am so thankful for that. We plan on telling Sadie she has a little brother or sister in heaven watching over her when the time is right. I don't want this baby to be a secret or forgotten. I am a mother of two and I'm very proud of that fact.